I promised I would be back to blogging regularly and here I am! 🙂
It’s been 20 days since my last blog post, though. It may not be the previous two posts per week, but I’m focusing on slowly getting back onto my feet 🙂
To say that the past year has been a difficult year would be a massive understatement. It’s been the absolute hardest of my life. The 1st anniversary of the disclosure of my child sexual abuse is approaching. I never thought I’d even open up to ONE person, let alone to people across the world. I’m really proud of how far I’ve come in such a short space of time.
“Everything is my fault”
I decided to blog today because I was did lots and lots of crying today. My counsellor asked me last week to read a chapter about working through pain from your past. It was an opportunity for me to work through the negative beliefs I had about myself and for me to see that my beliefs aren’t necessarily true.
Anyway, the ‘core belief’ I chose to work on was “Everything is my fault”.
Due to verbal, emotional, psychological and sexual abuse I endured as a child, I struggle immensely with self-blame. I could be metres away from a glass object, see it fall over and still wonder if I did anything to make it shatter. That’s the extent to which I blame myself for everything that happens in my life.
So, this exercise was a good opportunity for me to go through every single traumatising event for me as a child and teenager – and to basically prove to myself that NO, everything wasn’t and isn’t my fault.
When I finally put pen to paper, when I finally had the written chance to see my self-blame in all its glory, when I looked at the abuse I suffered in as much of an objective way as possible – I realised, NOTHING was ever my fault. I was brainwashed to believe that it was.
I wasn’t to blame for my own sexual abuse as a child.
I wasn’t to blame for our dog being given away.
I wasn’t to blame for the $20 000 credit card debt where I was told, “This is all your fault. You make me buy everything for you. Now I owe $20 000!”
I wasn’t to blame for needing glasses.
I wasn’t to blame for someone tagging my car.
I wasn’t to blame for my cousin getting her phone stolen.
I wasn’t to blame for not knowing how to read a mortgage document at 16 years old.
I wasn’t to blame for my eldest daughter being born small.
Even when THEY insisted it was my fault, I wasn’t to blame.
It is not my fault
It took a bloody writing exercise to see that my counsellor and husband are right – NONE of it was ever my fault and I am bloody amazing to turn out so well considering all the abuse I suffered.
As a mum of 3 young children now, as a Youth Worker in training, as a survivor of all kinds of child abuse – I see now that how I was treated was downright wrong. That NO child should have suffered the way I did.
Recognising the beauty in myself
It is almost 1.30am and I’m awake. Why?
Because I was just in the middle of working on a Youth Work assignment and can’t wait to be working full-time doing something that I absolutely love!
What truly got me through the past 20 years was knowing that no matter how horrible I felt, I knew I had a purpose. And my purpose is to help people.
So, I will continue to share my journey of healing and recovery from child sexual abuse.
I will continue to write about how childhood trauma has affected me, but how I’m also learning to heal.
I will continue to instill hope in ALL people who have suffered immensely throughout their life and/or still suffering.
I will keep fighting because there are so many lives I want to help save.
Sometimes, days aren’t particularly eventful but they’re meaningful. And today was one such day.
It was meaningful because I was able to dissect two decades of pain in a couple of hours.
I was able to move many steps forward, when I’ve already lived a lifetime filled with backward steps.
Be proud of how far you’ve come
No matter what it is that you’re going through, please praise yourself on those steps forward. You may not realise that you’re moving forward but you are. Every bit counts.
You don’t have to be making major changes in your life to be creating change.
Pat yourself on the back. Smile at yourself in the mirror. Reflect on who you are now as opposed to who you were before.
You are absolutely AMAZING. Don’t ever let anyone or anything stop you from truly believing that! 🙂