Trigger warning: Sexual assault, child abuse

Last week was National Child Protection Week (6-12 September). Here is my story – a survivor’s perspective.

10 years ago, I revealed to my loved ones and to my readers online that I had kept a secret hidden for 20 years.

That I was a survivor of child sexual abuse.

A secret like this carries so much shame. Before you have the courage to speak up, you are anxiety ridden not knowing how anyone around you will react. You are fearful nobody will believe you. You are distraught knowing that if you speak up, it means admitting to yourself that all those awful things didn’t happen to someone else.

But the awful things actually happened to you.

The past 10 years have been a tumultuous journey but also an incredibly healing one.

For the first few years, I couldn’t tell my story without crying, without remembering exactly what he did to me. As I spoke, the memories would come flooding back and I felt I was a terrified child all over again.

But that is no longer.

My memories don’t hurt me anymore, my sadness and trauma was once a part of me. It is now a driving factor for the goals I still have left to achieve in my life.

You see, when I disclosed what had happened to me, one very common concern from parents was this:

“Knowing what you have been through, how can I raise my child knowing this is the world they are living in? How can I protect them?”

So many parents came to me anxious about how to raise their children in a world they feel afraid of.

As a survivor who has also done extensive work in child safeguarding and worked in Youth Work for 10 years, I say this most important lesson for everyone –

You can’t live your whole life in fear.

That is the most important message of all.

What I went through was absolutely horrific. So horrific that my workplace supervisor at the time said was one of the worst stories she’d heard in 20 years of Youth Work. So horrific that my sexual assault counsellor cried when she heard what I endured for years in my own home.

It was incredibly horrific. However, I can’t change anything that happened to me and I refuse to let it define me.

I can choose to still believe in the kindness of others. I can choose to be empathetic and always try to put myself in other people’s shoes. I can be wary, vigilant and cautious – but I can’t let anxiety and fear consume me.

That just wouldn’t be living at all.

As a mother myself and as someone who works with young people, I know that there are countless ways to keep children safe.

The Royal Commission into Institutionnal Responses to Child Sexual Abuse demonstrated through hundreds of recommendations that through strict governance, risk management, tight recruitment, staff training, listening to children and consulting with them – that we can reduce the risk of child abuse and further harm to children.

However, children also need to feel empowered to learn independent living skills, to build self efficacy, to see that the world isn’t an unsafe and cruel place.

Children’s default shouldn’t be not to trust others, not to open up to other people, to assume everyone is out to hurt them.

The key is being the safety net for your child, being the person they trust so they know they can turn to you. Listening to them with curiosity not judgement. Teaching them to be cautious not fearful.

There is a lot in our lives that isn’t within our control – but what is within our control is how we choose to move forward, how we learn from what we have experienced, and the people we become as a result of it all.

Today I am a proud mother of 3 well adjusted children, with a loving husband, friends who I consider family, and I work in a job where I help students every day. I am also writing the 2nd draft of my memoir.

I have a roof over my head, warm clothes to sleep in. I am healthy and I am grateful to wake up every morning.

As a survivor, I encourage you to keep smiling, be grateful for everything in your life, and know that if I can survive everything I have – you too can overcome your challenges.

No matter what you have experienced, no matter who or what has hurt you – please know that with the right support and help, you too can heal and move forward with your life.

Healing and recovery takes time. However, I am living proof that there is not only hope beyond child abuse but lots of happiness, laughter and love.